What have I been doing?

I'm 23.  I am halfway through my fifth and last year of college.  I will graduate with an Honors Degree in Professional Chemistry, which will be recognized by the American Chemical Society, and a Degree in Discrete Mathematics/Operations Research.  And I don't want to do anything with either of them.  I don't want to pursue chemistry or math.  I don't want to do research.  I don't want to spend all my time in a lab.  I don't want to work in academia.  I just don't want it, and I'm not sure I ever did.

Thinking back to senior year of high school, I remember not being sure about what I wanted to do.  In my valedictorian speech at graduation I mentioned something about "maybe pursuing chemistry", but I was not convinced, mostly it just sounded good.  Fast forward to that summer when I registered for my freshman year of college.  I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I was very hard-pressed to pick a major.  I eventually decided upon math and added chemistry the next semester.

But why did I even pick the college of science?  Whenever any one asked me, I'd respond, "Because I'm good at math and science."  While this was certainly true, it wasn't really the whole truth.  The whole truth is that I'm good at everything I've ever tried, at least academically speaking.  I can't say I'm very athletically inclined although I could do a perfect cartwheel on a balance beam back in my elementary school days.  I excelled in every subject; 99th percentile on every standardized test.  "You can do anything!" I was told.  "Crap," is what I thought.  How the hell was I supposed to pick?

Well, it was sort of picked for me.  Apparently a girl who was good at math and science was a real oddity, especially in my podunk town, and it was somewhat implied that I had to act upon it.  A girl who was good at liberal arts was no big deal. Pursuing those subjects would have been a waste of my "science talent."  I was supposed to be a doctor or a rocket scientist.  I was supposed to cure cancer or win the Nobel prize.  So I didn't really think about it, I just went with it.

And now going on five years later I can't help but wonder, what have I been doing?  I don't have a passion for this.  I think I always knew that.  I tried to invent a passion for it, make myself believe that I wanted it, that I was going to save the world, that it would eventually have meaning for me.  It was very romanticized.  But there were always times that I wanted to just leave.  I have considered joining the Peace Corps at least once a year because I could be actively making a difference, and I could leave everything else behind.  I kept thinking, it'll get better.  Once I'm in the upper division math and chemistry classes, I'll begin to like it.  I'm just bored with the intro stuff, that's all.  That wasn't it.  I like it less now that I know more about it and I finally stopped and said to myself, is this really how I want my life to be?

No.  I want to enjoy my life.  I've come too far to switch majors now, however.  I will finish these ones in the spring, and if worse comes to worse, I have a pretty nice backup.  I may be a good scientist, but I do not have the heart for it.  Time for Plan B.